


if we're sinners it feels like heaven

by spangel



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Character Study, Multi, Original Character(s), Post Series, Purple Prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 05:15:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2839352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spangel/pseuds/spangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were always a useless kid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if we're sinners it feels like heaven

I.

 

You were always a useless kid. (And really, you're still useless. You couldn't even save your own friends, you couldn't even save your _own son_ , so you never really stopped being useless, and if your father was here he'd be telling you that with a smile on his lips, and you nearly forgot about him, didn't you? How dare you.)

 

You think, somehow, that things would be different if your first kiss hadn't been with a boy in a dark alley, who was just as drunk as you had been at the time, who brushed against you in a way that made it clear that he was no stranger to this particular type of sin. And things would be different if you hadn't enjoyed it, if you hadn't wanted to do it again and again, out of curiosity, well, if you hadn't gotten caught, then yes, _yes_ , things would be different.

 

You're not the same person that you were back then.

 

II.

 

Sometime after that, you met Darla, and she taught you about the monster inside of you. She taught you that you didn't have to hide anymore, and every time she killed something, you fell a little bit more in love with her.

 

You were wanted and you were loved - sort of, not really, but you were able to kill people, crush them between your hands until they were bones and blood and _nothing_ , and that was better. That feeling was better than anything else possible. Power.

 

But Darla is not the kind of girl that you can just forget, or fall out of love with, and when Darla showed up at the hotel you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, just like you did centuries ago - it was supposed to be you and Darla at the end of all things, and then it wasn’t.

 

You lost a part of yourself the night Darla died.

 

III.

 

William was weak and innocent and every time you touched him you tried not to think about the boy you kissed when you were human. They had the same honey hair and the same hungry eyes, and you punished him because you had to. William reminded you of your human life, so you _had_ to punish him.

 

But then, _then_ there is Spike, and he is rough and angry and he’s exactly like you in some ways. He is a constant in your life and that’s painful.

 

Maybe you did hate him, once. Maybe you wanted to kill him and hurt him and violate him, but you need him now, and god, it’s embarassing how much you need him. He is enough. You’ve lost everything and he is _something_ and right now, that’s enough for you. It’s not like you were given a choice. You’d never choose him, but everything happens for a reason and maybe, just _maybe_ , it isn’t your choice to make.

 

IV.

 

The first time you see Buffy Summers, you know that she’s the complete opposite of everything Darla is ~~(was).~~

 

She is small and her heart is pure and she loves you, really, _really_ loves you, and it’s a feeling that you’ve never felt before. Safety, warmth. She kills you and she actually misses you when you’re gone. It’s hard to get used to, and then everything stops, and you still remember the forgotten day. (How could you forget?)

 

Here is this girl, and she is the only thing that is strapping you down to good. Here is this girl, a ghost of a girl, and she still haunts you, and her spirit is calling out your name, and it hurts so much, the way she looks at you, the way she loves you but doesn’t love you at all.

 

Buffy is always there, always at the back of your mind, and you’ll never be able to tear her out or break the threads. You’ll never _want_ to break the threads.

 

But your memory is all that you have left now, and you don't remember how long it's been. Months. Years. Centuries. How long has she been gone? How long have you been alone?

 

You still hear her voice at night, and it's a curse.

**Author's Note:**

> "So lets be sinners to be saints  
> And lets be winners by mistake  
> The world may disapprove  
> But my world is only you  
> And if we're sinners then it feels like heaven to me"  
> \- Sinners - Lauren Aquilina


End file.
